[personal profile] fourleftxaviers
I read several bad X-Men porn stories on literotica.com tonight for no particular reason. When you're in need of bad, tacky, but v NC-17 porn stories, literotica's a decent site. I don't know what possessed me to see what they had in terms of X-Men, sometimes I have an oddly self-destructive streak. And these stories. I mean BAD. Two of the stories were eye-rollingly painful but ordinary OOC trash. In the most memorable of the three I read, there's a bug in the Danger Room program, causing one of the robots in their training session to have a phallus. A female X-Man starts getting herself off with it, for no apparent reason other than that it's there, and then the other X-Men are filled with uncontrollable lust. Logan pounces on Jean and has animalistic sex with her and Scott does Ororo and Banshee (but I think the writer thought Banshee was a chick). Professor X, witnessing this "terrible orgy" from the control room, tries to get them to stop but then he and Jean have telepathic sex instead. There was this whole image of her beautiful vagina spreading like an octopus. Meanwhile, Magneto has a spycam set up in the Danger Room, and he and Mystique are like: "Our enemies are having an orgy!" And so they too decide to get it on. At Magneto's suggestion she turns herself into JLO (cause apparently Magneto likes JLO), and then Jennifer Love Hewitt, Britney Spears, Whitney Huston (sic), and Mariah Carey, to name a few. When she orgasms, at incredible speed she cycles through the shapes of "every woman of the world."

This story was so bad, it was almost hypnotic. I reiterate: Jean's mental vagina was spreading like an octopus. AN OCTOPUS. I mean sure, it's the internets, tentacle porn's going to pop up now and then, but I was not expecting it from JEAN'S VAGINA. I need a shower.

But I had to share.

Date: 2009-06-24 02:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wolfine.livejournal.com
My GOD, this is making me laugh so, so hard...and it's not even NOON yet! I give you mad props for wading through something like that, plus I want the name of the crack dealer the author buys from. *laughs like a loon at the thought of Mystique morphing through Susan Boyle's shape, among others*

Date: 2009-06-26 05:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourleftxaviers.livejournal.com

All I do, I do for my country my flist's entertainment.

Date: 2009-06-25 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melonbutterfly.livejournal.com

That read like a crackfic, but it apparently wasn't meant to, and I think that's worse... Ugh. D:
(though it is kind of funny, in a very, very disturbing way.)

Date: 2009-06-26 05:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourleftxaviers.livejournal.com
It was just like a crackfic, and that was what I was wondering the whole time in the back of my mind. "...is this better, that the author didn't know they were writing crackfic, or worse?"

Date: 2009-06-26 12:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melonbutterfly.livejournal.com
I suppose it's worse when they don't know it... because that means they're actually serious, that they either don't think about the little things like canon, in-characterness, logic, a continuous plotline (though with porn, I think it's excusable if there isn't much of a plot), or just plain old sensible-ness (too lazy to find out what the real noun for that is XD).
On the other hand, it's just hilarious that someone is actually that stupid...

Date: 2009-06-26 01:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourleftxaviers.livejournal.com
LOL... yeah. Either way, it's painfully awful. I too could be fine with zero plot if the pron were okay, but when they decide to hatch a plot and it's so bad you're embarrassed for them, well. It's bad. But yeah, kinda funny.

No worries, now you've said it, sensible-ness is a word. That's the rule I use.

Date: 2009-06-26 02:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melonbutterfly.livejournal.com
Yeah, funny in that Final Destination way--on the one hand, you're horrified at what you're seeing and that someone actually thinks that's entertaining, and on the other... you're kind of entertained yourself.

Cool, that's a good rule, I think I'll adopt it ;D

Date: 2009-06-25 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bloodyscuffle.livejournal.com
Trying to comment, I was laughing so hard I typed "ROTLF" -- guess I was "rolling on the laughing floor" instead of the proper method of rolling.

You know, laughing too hard resembles being drunk in some ways. Thank you for this -- it is too hilarious.

Date: 2009-06-26 05:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourleftxaviers.livejournal.com
I want to roll on the laughing floor! My floor is all boring.

It was my pleasure. hehe.

Date: 2009-06-27 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bloodyscuffle.livejournal.com
The laughing floor is a state of mind ... *sitar music*

Who is your orange-clad icon man?

Date: 2009-06-27 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourleftxaviers.livejournal.com
Oh, that's Deadpool! In his traditional Deadpool costume. The picture and caption are from the best of the very silly "I'm a Marvel, I'm a DC" shorts on youtube. Here's the link:


I love Jimmy!

Date: 2009-07-05 10:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alicated.livejournal.com
Link, please? This is making me crack up already. Although it has nothing on Grace Fonseca's Buffy stuff.

Date: 2009-07-06 03:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourleftxaviers.livejournal.com

Behold the horror. Off to google Grace Fonseca...it is masochism if it's funny AND painful?

Date: 2009-07-06 01:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alicated.livejournal.com
'Dirty X Men'. I love it! This is totally a productive way to spend a day off work, right?

I know a lot about bad Buffy fic. (I used to run a badfic website in, oh, '98 or something like that?) Grace was prolific -- her UCSL page has a shedload of fics. Some of the ones that amuse me most are 'Enemies No More', a Faith/Mayor PWP with the type 'warm seamen'; 'A Lustful Spell' where Giles faints after sex and (my personal favourite) 'The Morning After' where Oz sticks his fingers through Buffy's clitoris.

Oh, badfic, I love thee.



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